Post Script)

If I wanted a life of mediocrity-I'd keep to myself those things which I chose to share in a very public light. Silence does not keep you honest.

Is it selfish...

...to always be looking for the magic of things? I don't think so. I think it's what keeps some of us alive.

Lies.

The Damnwells sing this song. Epic:

I Will Keep the Bad Things From You
I will keep the bad things from you
I will keep a straight face honey
you can keep your last name if you want to
and I will give you all my money
I could take a plane right to you
if i could just stop running
what if all this was true?

I will keep the bank from calling
I will keep those bastards from you
I will keep your smile from falling
this time the casualties were few
'cause we kept the bastards brawling
we kept our hearts from view
this time we're problem solving

catch it while you can
its the feel good hit of the summer
catch it while you can
'cause there won't be another

you keep the band names coming
I'll make the jokes real funny
we'll keep the skeptics humming
and someone else will take the money
we'll keep the hamsters running
I'll be the sour in your tummy
who'll wipe the nose that's running

catch it while you can
its the feel good hit of the summer
catch it while you can
'cause there won't be another

I will sleep above the covers
I will love you like no other
I will be your dad and mother
I will give you older brothers
I will feed you fries with steak sauce
I will keep the price below the cost
I will lead the way from all is lost
I will keep the bad things from you

catch it while you can
its the feel good hit of the summer
catch it while you can
'cause there won't be another... won't be another...

I'll keep the bad things from you... I'll keep the bad things from you... I'll keep the bad things from you...

Living not so loud at the moment....

Pneumonia. I've had it for almost 10 days now. This is the 4th time in 3 years. I don't smoke, only drink every once and awhile, workout 4-5 days a week. I don't get it, and frankly-neither do any of the docs I've seen. I suppose this makes for a little bit more of a melancholy me tonight. It feels very familiar. I like familiar. We are creatures of habit aren't we?

As one tends to do when they are housebound with an illness, I've been reflecting on things. This blog being one of them. I spent the better part of almost an hour skimming over past entries in past years-and I had an "aha!" moment. Looking back, it seems my original purpose in journaling a perpetual free-verse of my life transformed into something entirely different through the divorce process/custody battle with Dan. I am ashamed of myself at times. Most of the time really. I stopped being proactive in the betterment of my own life and my children's lives. I became consumed with anger, bitterness, desperation, and all the sordid familiarities that come with that particular state of being. I missed out on so many of the little joys of motherhood because I was so self-absorbed in my own hate. I am ashamed, and grieve over it in moments peppered throughout each passing day. Some days are better than others. Some days I feel victorious by creating laughter in my children's hearts. Others, I feel like I nothing more than a disappointing figurehead in their lives. Trying to find my balance has proven to be both liberating and debilitating. How is that even possible? 

So, now I've come full circle. I am very much so socially/emotionally/physically alone again. A very good friend (Brian) once told me that I needed to embrace my solitude before I would be able to truly share my life with anyone at all. Maybe he was right. 

Maybe.