Bloggeronni

Ok my little bloggletts, so lets catch up shall we?

Some time on Thursday night I think, Cowboy Dan came and stole the garage door opener out of my car, here at my parents. (In case I get locked out of the house w/the kids, I use the garage to get into the house.) He then proceeded to lock me out of the house with both locks, because he knows that I do not have a top lock key. Friday afternoon he cancels my cell phone service, but I don't find this out until Saturday afternoon when my mother is frantically trying to call me to come pick her up to take her to the emergency room with my son. My youngest son, Barrett, had fallen down outside and split his lip open. She didn't have a car at the time, and I was just 10 minutes away, AND HAD MY CELL PHONE WITH ME, or so I thought. Anyways, Barrett is fine, my brother came to get them and took them to the emergency room. I'm sure he's doing other dastardly things at the house, like burning our wedding pictures, my clothes, my personal things, birth pictures of our children, small animals, and roasting marshmallows over the flames with Satan...

Cowboy Dan strikes again

This is another reason why I'm leaving this guy: I'm only 4 days out of the house, and he's already telling me he's not going to pay for my medical needs. (I don't have a job or health insurance other than his available to me. Tomorrow he'll be mailing me Anthrax, just for good measure...) Do I know how to pick the winners or what? lol

Kibbles

Ok, so I'm still here! Yae for me! =) haha. I don't think he thought I would still be here, but I am. He has tried subtle threats, outrageous threats, yelling, and some HEAVY manipulation. LOL, what else is new, right? I found some more old poetry when I grabbed some old folders the other day at the house. Some of it is funny its soooo bad, and some of it is pretty good. Anyways, I don't have a whole lot of time lately because my mothers house isn't "kid-proofed", so I can only update at night. Hello to Billy the Blogging Poet, and The Shu! I would put links to their pages here, but I am not at home on my computer. Goodnight everyone!

Barrett

This is my second born, Barrett. He is 19 months old. He's the charming, loud, determined one. (And can't you just see the horns poking out of those adorable blond curls?)

Mr. Roboto

I have been sitting here with Barrett watching Paz the Penguin on TLC. Then we had our fill of Zaboomafoo, and The Wiggles. Barrett has eaten his bowl of Winnie the Pooh cereal in bed, (no milk), and thrown his cup of juice at me at least 10 times. I want to go back to sleep so bad, 6:30am....kids need to come with an "off" button.

Cowboy Dan

COWBOY DAN

Well, Cowboy Dan's a major player in the cowboy scene

He goes to the reservation, drinks, and gets mean

He's gonna start a war

He hops in his pickup puts the pedal to the floor

And says "I got mine but I want more"

Well, Cowboy Dan's a major player in the cowboy scene

He goes to the reservation drinks, and gets mean

He drove the desert, fired his rifle in the sky

And says, "God if I have to die you will have to die"

Well, Cowboy Dan's a major player in the cowboy scene

He goes the the reservation drinks, and gets mean

I didn't move to the city, the city moved to me

And I want out desperately

Can't do it, not even if sober

Can't get that engine turned over

Standing in the tall grass

Thinking nothing

You know we need oxygen to breath

Everytime you think you're walking

you're just moving the ground

Everytime you think you're talking

you're just moving your mouth

Everytime you're looking you're just looking down

Well, Cowboy Dan's a major player in the cowboy scene

He goes to the reservation, drinks, and gets mean

He's gonna start a war

He hops in his pickup puts the pedal to the floor

And says "I got mine but I want more"

Well, Cowboy Dan's a major player in the cowboy scene

He goes to the reservation, drinks, and gets mean

He drove the desert, fired his rifle in the sky

And says, "God if I have to die you will have to die"

Well, Cowboy Dan's a major player in the cowboy scene

He goes the the reservation drinks and gets mean

I didn't move to the city, the city moved to me

And I want out desperately

Can't do it, not even if sober

Can't get that engine turned over

-Modest Mouse

Diaries

Cheers

Ok, he's not leaving, that's old news. So I'm going to move in with my parents. It should be fun, well, at least that's what I keep telling myself. Keep positive, right? Haha. Its nice to feel my family behind me, its makes me feel stronger. I'm hoping to catch up with my dad a little too while I'm home. I don't get to talk to him much, so this could be really cool. I always worry that my dad is going to die, and I won't have ever asked what his favorite color is, or what his favorite wine is. He's a pretty cool old man, my dad. I should post his life story up here sometime. You know, sitting here I just thought of something, I bet I could take a painting class during the week now that my mom will be there. Or maybe I'll take one on the weekend. Since Dan is now FORCED to spend time with the kids, AND its going to be minus me. Hmmmm...I wonder what Ande is doing? ANDREA VENTURA WHERE ARE YOU!?!!

Audio Post 1:: Microphone Check

Things I am afraid of...

File all of this under useless information::

• Spiders/spider webs
• the dark, especially when forced to be completely alone
• deep bodies of water, (but I'll go in anyways, still learning to surf)
• high places, (but I'll go there too)
• physical pain, (but I love tattoos/piercing)
• failure
• hurting people I care for
• vermin
• anything my little brother brings home in foil after hunting
• not doing anything with my dreams
• people finding out what makes up the rest of this list...hehehehe

The verse I picked to be read at our wedding:

1 Corinthians 13

Love

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

I had this verse read, because I wanted so badly for them to make an impression on Dan. Not that I didn't need to hear them as well, but I was hoping, being that it was our wedding night, that he would really hear those words out and figure out that love was different that everything he had been taught. The words being read was what real love was about.

I have no idea why I thought all of a sudden we might take a normal picture together, silly me...

I have no idea what I was thinking in this one...

Yes, I am sticking my finger up his nose, and yes, he is drooling...lol

Dorky Pics of Us

We have always been rarely playful. The tension has never allowed for much happiness or fun-loving play. These pictures were actually a very rare moment for us.

Michael Moore for President...of France

Hmmm, you don't say?

Michael Moore eats more bacon

"We like nonfiction. We like nonfiction and we live in fictitious times"
- Michael Moore

Oscar 'acceptance' speech

People who have made me who I am today: Parte Una

This is Brian. I met Brian a few weeks after Dan and I broke up in the summer of '99. He was this gorgeous, rugged, Army guy, and I was this dorky girl, just slapping every label society had to offer on myself, trying to figure out who I might be. We had an odd start, Brian and I, but we bonded well. He's the "friend" I talked about that is getting married. Let me tell you, he was indeed a true friend. We had the best conversations. He's really as smart as they come, can't spell worth a damn, but incredibly intelligent. A born "people pessimist", his outlook and my heavy sarcasm fit hand in glove. On a personal note, he HAD just returned from Kosovo, so I'm sure that had much to do with his adapted personality traits at the time. But all of whatever "baggage" he had didn't matter to me. I fell hard, and I fell fast. He was exciting, and passionate. He read the same books I read. He liked the arts, and he was as much of the kind of a social animal as I was. We didn't have that heavy jealous aspect most sexualized relationships have, and it was good.

Brian let me be me, and I mean to the core. Beyond all the social norms and expectations. I liked spending my time, my money, and my thoughts on him. He was the first person to ever let me truly feel free. Then, the inevitable happened; he had to leave again. This time it was to Afghanistan, and it was for a year. I don't think I had cried in public since I was a little girl, but the day he left, I cried like a baby in my car all the way home. I remember just knowing it was more than just, "I'll see you soon". I just remember knowing something bad was going to happen.

It was through a friend's thoughtful advice, that I have decided to start painting again. Its something that I just need to do for me. It releases something in me, like a piece of my soul gets to touch the outside world for just a moment. So hopefully in the future I will have some pieces to show here.

P.S: **Simon Rocks!**

Midgets for Rent

I've been a Mommy for 1621675.4 minutes to date. I'm 25 years old, with my three little shrimpies, and people look at me like I'm the babysitter. Sometimes I feel like babysitter. Its weird. Caleb's speech is getting so much better. Laura, his speech/language therapist says he is making incredible strides. He really is awesome, he's starting to put complete sentences together with such ease. It really makes me so proud of him, despite the chocolate syrup in the shoe chest last week. Hehe. =)

Kiddies and Caffine

I need coffee. Or how about just a straight caffine drip? That might do me just fine. I think children need to be sedated until at LEAST 6am on the weekends. Any takers on the idea?

Eat more bacon.

30 Ways to handle Stress

• Jam 39 tiny marshmallows up your nose and try to sneeze them out.
• Use your Mastercard to pay your Visa.
• Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.
• When someone says "have a nice day" tell them you have other plans.
• Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like.
• Forget the Diet Center and send yourself a candygram.
• Make a list of things that you've already done.
• Dance naked in front of your pets.
• Put your toddler's clothes on backwards and send them off to preschool as if nothing was wrong.
• Retaliate for tax woes by filling out your tax forms with Roman numerals.
• Tattoo "out to lunch" on your forehead.
• Tape pictures of your boss on watermelons and launch them from high places.
• Leaf through National Geographic and draw underwear on the natives.
• Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in it. Return it the next day.
• Buy a subscription to Sleezoid Weekly and send it to your boss' wife.
• Pay your electric bill in pennies.
• Drive to work in reverse.
• Relax by mentally reflecting on your favorite episode of the "Flintstones" during that important finance meeting.
• Sit naked on a shelled hard-boiled egg.
  Refresh yourself. Put your tongue on a cold steel guardrail.
• Tell your boss to blow it out of his toupe and let him figure it out.
• Polish your car with ear wax.
• Read the dictionary upside down and look for secret messages.
• Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it comes back to you.
• Bill your doctor for the time spent in his waiting room.
• Braid the hairs in each nostril.
• Write a short story using alphabet soup.
• Lie on your back eating celery....using your navel as a salt dipper.
• Stare at people through the lines of a fork and pretend they're in jail.
• Make up a language and ask people for directions to vW/{KoY(d[WkY.

Letting Go

One of my very close, old friends, is getting married. Well, I say friend, but we were more than that. We never really put a label on our relationship. He was my best friend at the time, my confidant, my lover, my teacher, my student, he was everything to me. I am happy for him though; happy that he has found peace in someone else, and himself. I guess, too, that I am jealous of her as well. I wish I could have brought that to him, but as fate would have it, I was a complete mess back then. Totally empty of anything good. I was just a leech, feeding off of other people's energy just to survive. I was on every drug I could get my hands on. I did anything and everything, drug and otherwise, that might remind me I was still alive; that's how dead I felt inside. I had to be going a million miles an hour all the time. The only time I felt any peace was with him. I didn't need drugs or anything else when I was with him. Everything seemed to slow down when I was with him, and I was ok with that, I actually loved it. I trusted him with every part of myself; my mind, body, heart, and soul. I never was hurt by him. Never. Unfortunately, being so young, and unhealed by past abuse, I was unable to return the my love in a usable form and capacity. Its such a shame, because I had to much I wanted to give him.

Drugs and Chocolate Syrup

Have I mentioned lately how sick I am of the all the freaking drugs I'm on? Hmmmm...well, I am. They, my doctors, are taking me off the Seroquel, which is really awesome. I've been on that crap for almost 5 years. I used to be afraid of not being able to sleep without it, but with having the kids now, (and the Xanex...hehe), I sleep like a baby. I've already noticed a huge increase in my energy level, and I've only gone down 50mg. Speaking of kids, I just had to run into Caleb's room because I realized he had been been out of my room for too long: he had the bottle of chocolate syrup out, and was squirting it onto the floor, and into his toy chest. I swear, children are like little drunk people. That's the kind of things they do.

The many faces of love...?

Just got back from the gym, and I feel good. Today was my day to sleep in, and when I got up I got dressed and told Dan I was going to the gym for a bit. But I got a couple calls from people, and had to run a few errands that I didn't expect, and it took me a lot longer than I thought to get home. Mom gave me some money to get some new running shoes, so I went and got those too. I'm in the house 5 days a week, and I just wanted to get out for a bit. I didn't think it was going to take me this long, but still...I NEED some ME time too. After 132 hours in the house this week, I would think that Dan would be happy to give me a few to do some things, even if those things happen to turn up unexpectedly. And the thing that gets me so bad, is that he was mad at me because he said he had to go cut this guys grass, so that's why I HAD to come home ASAP...right this second he's messing around in the backyard, trying to pull this tree down. Wow, must had been REALLY important for me to RUSH home, so he could HURRY over to this guys house right? LOL. I just can't stand being yelled at, and he bosses me around like I'm an "employee" to him. I'm just so sick of getting yelled at all the time, about EVERYTHING. The tiniest things just set him off. What am I? Some kind of animal? Does he think I'm deaf? I would think after me being gone last weekend, and him having to care for all three kids would have made him understand how stressful the day after day routine gets. But once again the situation gets twisted around so that I'm the "bad wife", again. I swear he should have been a lawyer.

Soul Mates

Are we supposed to let go of the past? I know we're supposed to learn from the past, and I think I've done well at that. What about people from the past? If we learn from them, and our experiences with them, are we supposed to let them go? What if we can't, even though we need to? Then what? What do any of you think about the whole "soul mate" theory? Do you think we all have one, or more than one? I'm pissed off at myself, and I'm just trying to talk this out. Alright, gotta feed Rosie, I'll continue this later...