The Toothpaste Thing

I got the chance to go over to the house today to get some of my shoes, makeup, and things from my room. I brought the kids so that they could see Dan for a few while I did this too. While in the bathroom I grabbed 2 boxes of toothpaste from the stash that my father had bought us at Sams a few months back. I noticed that he had a pack of 6 boxes that he had just bought, but I left 1 box out of the old pack just so he wouldn't think I was trying to "take all his stuff". Anyways, he comes in and glaring at me says, "What do you think you're doing?!", with his hands on his hips. I told him that I was just taking a couple boxes of toothpaste, and he then tells me to put it back because it was PROPERTY acquired before the separation. I said, "You're kidding right?", and half laughing mind you. He then says to me that if I continue to yell at him, (??), that he is going to make us leave the house. I wanted to cry. I know most people would have gotten so mad right away, but I just don't. Yeah I get ticked at the things he does, but I'm not mad at him, mostly just hurt. And you know, honestly, I will always keep that part of me that says, "OK-this is the day he's going to be different." But he doesn't, and he isn't. Anyways, back to the story- I realized just then that this guy is out to cut my throat. If I talk above a whisper, he's going to tell people that I yelled at him, and if I take a few tubes of toothpaste-he'll say I went threw the house and stole things. If I broke down in front of him crying, he's going to tell people that it was because I couldn't handle the kids and am a bad mother. If I ever confided in him my fear of the dark that stems from my sexual abuse, he will turn that into me being crazy. I lived my life with him telling me what the truth was, what reality was, who I was, who I was going to be, and how I owed him everything. He manipulates the truth, lies, and panders to whomever he is speaking with to try to "win" their sympathy. He needs people to believe he is a hapless victim in whatever situation that might arise. In other words, its ALWAYS someone else's fault. That someone was me most of the time. He punched me in the face, and the whole ride home to drop me off, he was lecturing me on how it was my fault that he did. How I had ruined his day once again because I shouldn't have argued with him. You know the most frustrating part of this? He's actually a very likeable guy. It seems like everyone at his work loves him. People that meet him say how nice he is. When I met him, I remember his smile. He had the most wonderful smile. I fell in love with that smile, and I will always love that smile. I just want to stop having feelings for him completely, it would make this whole process so much easier. But the more I read about it, the more I am understanding how much harder-emotionally-this is going to be than I thought.


Sorry if my grammer sucks in this rant. I'm really tired.

~Ann