"You should be writing something from your life, from the depths of your soul. There is more in you than this," he said, pointing to the newspaper story, "if you have the courage to write it."

~ Louisa May Alcott, from the film adaptation of Little Women.

I want to apologize for the lack of real content in my blog recently. I've been afraid to share for some reason. There is much going on, and I know it would feel so much better to get it out. My thoughts are so scattered lately, I have so much to say but I just can't organize anything on a page. Stress much?

This is my weekend with the midgets, and its so nice to have them sleep here with me. I can't begin to explain how unbelievably awesome it is to fall asleep with Caleb snuggled in next to me all night, and Barrett right in the next room. Last night, Barrett woke up around 3:30 and I got to rock him for about 15 minutes until he settled down again. He's such a lamb. Caleb puked on me right before he went to sleep, but he was ok after I cleaned him up. Haha, the joys of motherhood, right? Rosie slept through the night like a champ, and didn't even wake up until about 7:30am. I just feel whole again when they're here. They don't have to leave until tomorrow night at 6:00, but I think I might get them Tuesday night. Anyways, I hope all is well with everyone!
~Ann

Welcome Mike: Greensboro Poet at Large

This is a poem from a guy I just met named Mike. He is so very passionate about his work, and needs some support from the writing community. Here is one of his poems I promised to post for him:

My Thirst

My thirst runs deep,

but it's not for water, wine or juice.

I thirst to fill this empty side, replace my rib with you.

I thirst to have, to hold, and to cherish,

I thirst for a best friend.

I thirst to take you out to eat, take a walk with you, hand to hand.

I thirst to comfort you when your sad, make you smile, when you feel down.

I thirst to hold you when your lonely, take a trip you pick the town.

I thirst to give you what you need, surprise you with things you want.

I thirst to listen when you speak, understand you when most don't.

I thirst to take away all your pain, with help from heaven above.

And pray for strength to quench this thirst I have inside for love.

"They're Magically Delicious"

All I can say is, please take 2 minutes and read this post about the Lucky Charms marshmallows. Hahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaa...ha.

"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection."--Buddha

I have decided that I deserve to be loved, and am capable of being loved. I also am going to pledge to love myself for the person that I am. I am not the person that C.D told me I was for 5 years. I have so much love to give, and I am so grateful that I have three little vessels to fill with it all. This is so freeing. I can be me now, and its ok. There is nobody there looking over my shoulder, waiting for me to "mess up", so they can yell at me. I don't have to worry about where I park in a shopping center, or in the drive. I don't have to worry about if the cheese on a pizza is a bit too brown him, and getting crucified for it. Nor do I have to stress about explaining how I got every door ding, or scratch, on the paint of the car at the store. (I could go on and on with this guys.) IF THE YARD DOESN'T GET MOWED ONE WEEKEND, THEN ITS OK!!!! I'd rather play with the kids instead, lol...

Don't beat the kids please...

For those of you with children, and who might be open to a different approach on discipline, here are some great reads:

Never Hit a Child

20 Alternatives to Punishment

Suggestions for Parenting with Discipline

On a personal note, if there is anyone out there who is looking to buy a daily driver sort of truck, email me PULEASE! I have a high mileage Toyota Lancruiser for sale, and I need to get it SOLD. I will meet you to show, or send pics and info on request. It's white, leather, sunroof, 4x4, blah, blah, blah, PLEASE BUY MY CAR!!! =P

Everyone: Meet Nate =)

This guy, Nate, is one of those naturally kind hearted people. I love finding people with as amazing vision, and such clear compassion as Nate. Check out his blog HERE...

No MeetUp tonight, sorry

I've been sick all day today, so I won't be at the meetup tonight. I was really looking forward to going. Sorry I will have missed everyone. I will see you all next time for certain. =)

~Ann

Crap Crappa Crappatomous

Didn't have court today. I'm waiting to have my Cowboy Dan pay for a custody evaluation. He's brought this thing to a whole new level after calling the police the other night, and after this weekend with that incident with Caleb. Talking to my friends does help. I can't wait for the meetup tomorrow night at The Bean, downtown.

Its been so long since I talked to The Shu, so if you're out there friend, I'd love to hear from you! =)

Court

I think I'm going to have court tomorrow, but won't know until tomorrow morning. I'll check in when I get back in I go. Everyone who reads this, please pray for me, think of us, anything. Thank you all so much.

~Ann

Dan just left here after calling the police on me. I wanted to keep Rosie over night because she's been acting strange all day, but he said I couldn't. The only reason I can't is because I signed a temporary custody agreement saying he has them from 6pm to 7am. I was told it was only for 6 weeks, and that was 10 weeks ago. So now that he has the power of this piece of paper, he's abusing its purpose. The ONLY reason this man wouldn't let my 9 month old BABY stay with me tonight is because he wants to be in control all the time, and of EVERYTHING. Its BIZARRE, and very sad. I just sent her with him and the boys because I didn't want the boys to see police cars.

You know, I really want to write about my experiences at the shelter. I want to tell you about the people I meet there, and the stories they have to tell. I'd like to describe how beautiful the long suffering of the *residents* there is. The problem then arises in the center's privacy policy. I certainly understand the policy, and agree with it, but I can't help but wonder if there would be a way to safely navigate over that problem. (?)There are just so many incredibly inspiring stories that need to be told to you all. I just need to find a way, haha. I snuck this older lady's pants into the washing machine tonight, and washed them for her. The way staff was acting tonight, I think they would have shot me for it. I know we aren't supposed to do that, but 1) she was having some odor issues, and 2)she only has 2 pairs of pants to her name. Everyone is so mean to this little woman, but they don't really realize that she's not all there, and she just needs some love. That's all. And trust me too, if I could tell you her story, you'd all want to go meet her just to hug her. But, I get so irritated with certain individuals that don't know how to speak respectfully, and kindly to this woman. Its really sad. This woman is someone's mother, and even if she's not, they need to treat her like she is. Anyways, the midgets are back tomorrow, and I am SO GLAD! I have missed them so bad. I wish they could spend the night. I can't wait until this is OVER.

Hung out with the gang out at Weaver House last night again. I love it there. I talked to C.D last night, when I called to check on the kids, because they were getting sick Friday. Long story short, he hung up on me and told me never to call back after 9pm when he had the kids. He also put Caleb on the phone and told him to tell me not to call anymore and wake him up. He said it in such a harsh tone that I Caleb, who is NOT EVEN 3 MIND YOU, got really quiet, like he was afraid or nervous. I just kept talking to him, and told him it was alright, and tried to get him mind off of Dan being so hateful. He started to whimper a little bit, and that's when I almost died. I wanted to rush over there, and bust down the door, and hold him so that he wasn't afraid. I was at the shelter at the time I made this call, so I had to not cry. But inside I was dying.

IT IS OFFICIAL EVERYONE!!

HAHA! I just found out that Cowboy Dan is reading my blog, and he reads it quite a bit too! Now, everyone has been telling me that he probably has been reading it, and in the back of my head I knew he probably was. But now that I have seen his IP addy pop up this much since I put my counter back on, I know for sure. So I would like to say a *BIG HELLO* to him, and invite him back anytime he feels the compulsion to read more. Even you are welcome here Dan, though I know you will try to spin information you gather here into everything other than truth and honesty.

Candy Girl stikes again

Dan has the midgets this weekend, so I'll be at the shelter for the most part. I was thinking of going to Raleigh to see a certain art exhibit, but since Juan has a hot date, I don't really have anyone to go with. Haha. =P Maybe this weekend I can catch up on my blog a little.

This just can't go on for my kids...I see my babies crumbling like paper before me.

New Babies

My SIL is at women's Hospital as we speak, in labor. Rosie will have a playmate soon! Her name is going to be Chloe, and I think she's going to be little, but we'll just have to see. Both boys are down for naps right now, which is SO nice. Poor Caleb is just such a crab. I hope he can get some good rest this week before C.D has them this weekend. They will be a real mess on Monday, when I get them back, I'm sure. I'm going to email Evelyn today to see if I can get in this weekend and see everyone at the shelter. It will be a good weekend to spend some time there. I miss everyone too. I hope all the people I got to know haven't left in the past few weeks that I've not been able to get down there. NEVER FEAR WEAVER HOUSE! CANDYGIRL IS ON HER WAY! Haha. =P

Blogging Meetup Next Week!

For those of you who live near, or in Greensboro, NC and blog-listen up! There is a really great group of local bloggers who meet once a month here, and the next meeting is January 19th at The Green Bean downtown. I have met some really awesome, and inspiring people through this creative group. It is REALLY worth coming. (And the beer ain't bad either!) =P

Tonight was one of the most horrific exchanges of the children yet. Caleb was screaming for me not to leave, and he was so upset he was kicking the window of C.D's car from his car seat. I thought I was going to die. I am sick. I hate this. They don't deserve this. Not in the least. Its times like these that make me want to just give in, and give him what he wants. I just don't want my kids to hurt anymore. I just can't take it. My heart is breaking in two. My precious, precious babies need a consistent, stable routine. What is happening now is not working for them. I have tried to get C.D to work with me on this, but its clear to me he is willing to sacrifice the children in order to earn revenge for me daring to leave him. I'm so helpless now. My "mother bear" instincts come out when I feel someone is hurting my children in some way. But its very confusing when that someone is your husband. Ex-husband. Whatever.

Happy Birthday to Meeee!

Today is my birthday, and I am turning 26! I don't really think I need an exclamation point at the end of that sentence, because I'm more happy about birthday events than the actually turning age. Hopefully going out with friends tonight to a movie and/or dinner. My mother said she would watch the kids so I could have some time to myself for my birthday. Juan and I went shopping this afternoon, and he bought me some books. I think buying someone a book is very personal. I thought it was very nice. Once of the nicest presents I have gotten in a long time. I do have the midgets this weekend after all, so there will be not much updating of the blog this weekend like I thought. I did ask Dan if he wanted to see them anyways, even though it wasn't his weekend, but he had a million reasons why he couldn't. I just thought it might be nice for him to see the kids in daylight hours, and get to actually play with them when they weren't tired. He hasn't gotten to do that since December 25th. Kind of a long time, don't you think? Caleb misses playing with him I know. I try to do "daddy" type things, but I know I'm not as good as actually playing with daddy.

Last night was a nice night; I had coffee with Juan and we talked for almost 3 hours about virtually everything. Its so nice to be able to talk with someone about things other than cars! (haha.) Today has been such a bad day so far. Not so much with the children, because we went to Country Park again, and it was awesome. But I just can't keep it all in when it comes to my mom. I try not to think about things that have happened in the past weeks, but as soon as she starts in on me about the divorce/kids/fill in the blank, I find myself being very sarcastic with her. My mother is WAY intense, and a little spastic to tell you the truth. She's Italian, and acts that way. Everything she does is loud and in your face. There is nothing gentle about her, and people like her stress me out like crazy. But I guess that almost everyone's mother is like that sometimes. Am I right?

You can make a difference, here's how:

There are so many people in need in our world, and so many of us want to help, but most of us just don't know how do we? Well, here are some organizations that are worth a little lookie people! So open your heart, and those of you who have the means, open your wallets(creeeeek!)...

Donations to The American Red Cross are tax deductible. You may also donate STOCK if you wish, or for those of you who collect AIRLINE MILES on your credit cards-you may donate those! 'Tis the times for blessing others my friends. Blessed be.

The United Negro College Fund today helps facilitate the education of over 65,000 students at 950 schools. It also helps to keep tuition down by 52% below that of other comparable schools. They make they most of your donation dollar, so please !

Stand Up For Kids is an awesome organization that works with homeless/runaway kids in the streets. They have centers all over the country in 27 states! It really is worth looking into if you have a few extra dollars at the end of the month, and instead of buying that new cd, send the 15 bucks their way.

Lastly, please think of our brothers and sisters in mourning from the blackness the Tsunami brought. UNICEF is a very trustworthy organization. I hope everyone that reads this thinks to maybe shell out just a dollar or two. It all makes a difference.

I promise to catch up on my Bloggeroni this weekend friends, I've just been a little preoccupied, that's all! Pray for me, those of you who do, I'm really struggling with some emotions about C.D. Its sort of all a bunch of fear, love, hate, anger, sorrow, and disbelief all kind of spilling out at once. Enough blubbering out of me, g-night to all...

Where's Ben?

Ben, if you read this, I really want to do the Greensboro Leadership thing. Let me know when you have time to chat about it, or let me know who I should get in touch with. Hope you had a really good Christmas btw, and a Happy New Year. Thanks for the pretty gum. =P

A new year, a new life...

New Years Eve was rather lonely. I did have the midgets, but my parents were at the coast for the weekend, so the house was really quiet after about 8:30. I ended up eating cold Chinese, and going to bed around ten. Pretty pathetic for twenty five huh? (haha.) Anyways, I did get to talk to Juan again today, he is out of town and called to wish me Happy New Year. I'm still getting used to how sincere this guy is, and its so very cool. Write more later, Barrett and I are going to play trains! =)