AnnaBanana

Long day...long day indeed. They are telling me that my 2 year old, Barrett, needs to be evaluated for Asbergers/Autism. Hrmm.

God says he'll never give you more than you can carry, but sometimes it feels like it. I guess thats when you have to ask him to carry some of the load for you, isn't it?

I don't have the kids this weekend, but I think I'll be busy filling out job applications and looking for a home. I'm thinking of catching a movie to try to wind down a little too, or paint pottery again. I'm sure I'll make it to the shelter at some point too. Anyways, goodnight to all,

Ann

Ps) Hello to someone in Asheville =)

BLOGGERS HELP

I have something to ask of my local blogging community: I have about $1100/month to spend on rent, and I am in DESPERATE need of a place to live. I need a 3 bedroom house with some kind of back yard. I may be in a position to buy in a few years, but right now I need to rent until I get back on my feet from this divorce. If anyone knows of a home for rent that sounds like it might do the job, PLEASE email me!!!! (Oh, and BTW-I'm a great neighbor too, I bake! haha)

Dr. Phil

If you haven't already heard this, you gotta listen to it...funny stuff:

Dr. Phil

Helping Hands

We can ALL find something to give. Lowana needs help, please think of her, and her cause when going through your old things. (Those of you who can, new things are nice too!)

Azure Ray

Complete sirens, check out their music here:

AZURE RAY

Hold On Love

HOLD ON LOVE

hold on love

even when i cry all night

even when i say i don't love you

just hold on love

so my head gets a little cloudy

and the drink goes straight to my heart

the the words come like a runaway train

in the dark

just hold on love

even when i scream and fight

even when i swear i don't love you

just hold on tight

and when the darkness falls over

like a storm cloud in my head

something inside says it's easier

to push you away but stay and

hold on love

even when i cry all night

even when i swear i don't love you

just hold on love

just hold on love

just hold on love

-Azure Ray

"The greatest source of unhappiness and failure is trading what you want most for what you want now."

-Zig Zigauri

Psalms 55:22

"Cast thy burden upon the Lord, and He shall sustain thee He shall never suffer the righteous to be moved."

My religion is usually something I have kept to myself, even though I do ask for people to pray for me through my posts. But the truth is I am extremely spiritual. Some days/weeks/years more than others of course. I'm sure its the same for many of you. Last night I found out that while doing a CAT scan on my grandfather doctors found spots on both lungs. He is already in the hospital with blood clots in both legs. This is where it gets hard, even harder than the fact that my "Papa Dom" is probably not going to live much longer. The spots are more than likely cancer. I'll know more after they do the biopsy on Wednesday. I just can't imagine death at this point. Nobody in my family has died.

I have another person who, by technical terms, is my grandfather. I do not call him that. I don't call him anything. My very first post was about him, read it here.

What happens when you run out of Midol and Ben&Jerry's... 

You can't really drink coffee at 3:30 in the morning, can you? I mean, not if you're still half sleep walking. Rosie just had a bottle, and Caleb is having a coughing fit, but won't drink his water. I have to admit, 90% of me doesn't even care that I'll have raccoon eyes for the next three days because of this. At least they're here, up at 3:30 in MY house. Back to sleep I hope...

Jobby, Job, Job

So I'm looking for a job AND a place to live. This is going to be interesting, I can feel it. Hehe. Where one door closes, another will open.

Weaver House WOOHOO

Ok people, I have officially joined the "single woman at the movie alone" club. I went to go see Million Dollar Baby this afternoon. Good stuff, but I could have waited until the video came out. I decided to check up on my family at the shelter. There was a REALLY drunk guy that came in, and he started calling the friends he came with "fags and niggers". But like I said, he was REALLLLLY drunk.

I am taking both Caleb and Barrett to a therapist tomorrow. My pediatrician advised me to take Barrett. Once I talked to the therapist, she was really concerned about Caleb's violent behavior. She decided she wanted to see them together. They spent the weekend with Dan this weekend, so tomorrow morning should be bizarre again. I really wish I could post pictures for you all to see, but I know they are going to be used in my case. I promise to post them afterwards. They really are sad. Also, my custody evaluation by Dr. Batten is about to be scheduled, so please pray for me and everyone involved in it. Pray for wisdom, clarity, and conviction for both Dan and myself, and our attorneys. Thanks again to anyone who reads this mess, and for your encouragement. It means more to me than any of you know.

Can you see me sit so quietly in the corner?
I am screaming
ABOVE
your conversation inside.
I rhyme your names with things
as to remember them when we meet again.
I might open my mouth to speak
but nothing
but a squeak
dribbles
o
v
e
r
my lips.
If only I could cough up that
courage
settled under my skin.
Lets begin, again...

~ann

Ok fine, so I didn't go to bed yet...hehe. I found out that, according to Tickle.com, there are men looking for me, but those men aren't "my type", and "my type" is what everyone else wants. Thanks for the thrilling news Tickle, really. Do I get a free pint of Ben and Jerry's with my test results? : P

These are the results of the personality test I took, and yes, you can laugh:

What do people see in you?

You're warm, knowing and aren't afraid to go after your goals. You tend to be patient with people, too. And if that weren't enough, you pretty much set the standard for emotional health by being filled with positive feelings and energy - energy you radiate out onto those around you.

How do you compare to others?

You're highly unique, as only 9% of women your age have the same personality type. Another 9% have personality types similar to yours.

Do men like your type?

16% of men are looking for your exact type. Another 64% are looking for someone highly similar to your type.

What do men like about your type?

Men like the extent to which you're adventurous.The research indicates that men are most drawn to your willingness to explore and take risks.

What are you really looking for?

Your ideal match is open-minded, extroverted and independent. He's very free-spirited and is likely fairly liberal in his views. He's like a magnet for love and affection - people just seem to adore him. And, thanks to a healthy dose of self-confidence, he's unusually flexible.

Is he a rare breed?

Approximately 11% of men have that exact personality type. Another 15% are similar to the type you're looking for.

Who's your competition?

About 12% of women your age are after the exact type of man you are. And 11% of men have that personality type.As you can see, your ideal man is in high demand. (Great, another reason to consider dating again huh? lol)

What's so compelling about him?

Women are most attracted to the extent to which your ideal man is confident.

Stay tuned for new results soon. I know you're all dying to know what kind of fruit I would be, or what perfume I am, or what car I am most like, right? Haha. Here's the link so you guys can knock yourselves out: www.tickle.com

I just got home from G.U.M a few minutes ago, and I am officially TIRED. I can't believe how many new faces have turned up since I was there last. Its not even been 2 weeks, which I know is a long time, but there has been a huge turnover. Some of the residents have gotten permanent housing, which is awesome, but most are just back on the streets. And its just started to get so cold at night again, that I worry a lot about them. As many of you start to clean out your closets, again I ask of you, please remember these great people down at the Greensboro Urban Ministry. They do accept donations of food, clothing, and financial gifts. Oh, and on last thing! I just want to say a BIG THANK YOU to Lawndale Baptist Church. They provided residents with a wonderful meal tonight, and really went all out with the food. Cutting fresh strawberries for the homemade strawberry shortcake, and I can't forget the homemade cornbread. You ladies, (and gentlemen), truly put your heart into it. I just personally wanted to thank you, as I know each resident is thanking you tonight as they sleep with a full belly! God bless each one of you.

Ok, time for me to hit the hay, or in this case-feathers. Sweet Dreams kiddies...~Ann

The start to my weekend...

Went and painted pottery tonight, listened to Irish music, had some killer Chinese food, and sang Barry White. Can't get much better than that. What did you do?

Sorry for the rambling, but my head is swimming. My grandfather got admitted to the hospital this afternoon. He has a blood clot in each leg. He's not doing so good they said. He's a diabetic. This is my mothers father, not my dads step-father. The Italian side of the family. Everyone calls him Papa Dom. He's the only man I consider my grandfather. I love him more than anything. He always made me feel so special, even in the midst of 16 other grandchildren. You know, I've only been to three funerals in my whole life? The first was a boy at my middle school who killed himself. The second was my mothers friend, who died of breast cancer. The third was my father-in-law's friend. Everyone in my family is still living. I still have both sets of grandparents. Both.

When it rains it pours, right?

Oobi

For those of you with midgets ages 4 and under, you have got to check out Oobi. Everyone else, I still would check it out. You never should deny your inner child's delight.

Well tonight was interesting, to say the very least. I finally got to meet Southern Rants, which was very cool. There is something very nurturing about her, indeed. I also got to meet Chewie, Lenslinger, Roch, and few others. My meeting with Kitty went really well this afternoon, btw. I feel really good about everything. I told her about my blog today, and she didn't seem bothered by it. I just hope that any readers that I might have would forgive me if they think the integrity of my blog has been compromised. I want you to know that I will tell you as much as I can, without it compromising the chances of my case. Its just that sometimes I don't know what could be a "bad thing" to post, and what is completely harmless. I don't know if some of you caught the emails that I posted last week, but I took them off after a few comments were made about how it might have an effect on my case. Maybe I can put them up again, but I'll have to see. Goodnight all!

Woo, (cough), hoo! Tomorrow is the local monthly blogger Meetup here in G-town. Hopefully there will be more talk about personal blogging, but I'm probably wrong. Haha. I'd like to know more about the people themselves, and yes, more about how to improve my site. Not so much about how to make a buck off someone who happens to land on it. That would make the whole point of mine completely moot. I have a meeting with my attorney tomorrow afternoon at 4:00. I really hope I can stay organized, and focused with her. Sweet Dreams kiddies!

Pick it up

Looking for some unbelievable blues? Check out Robert Bradley's Blackwater Surprise. One of my FAVORITE artists of all time. If you can catch me on Messenger or AOL, I'll send you some MP3's... =P

Midget Mania

Its just the midgets and me this weekend, and its supposed to be REALLY cold, which sucks. Thank God for the Children's Museum and the Natural Science Center. I have memberships to both, and love it there. Anyways, no time to write, just wanted to check in. I hope everyone gets lots of rest this weekend. That's one thing I won't be getting, lol. =)

Sunday was a horrible day for me. I wasn't going to blog about this, but I can't sleep even more than I already don't, so maybe this will help. I went to pick up Rosie to spend some alone time with her on Sunday, and I walked in on a horrible thing. Barrett, who according to Dan had been in bed for 3 HOURS, was covered from head to toe in dried feces. God only knows how long he had REALLY been locked in that crib! He had no pants on, and no diaper. He was silently rocking, and didn't even acknowledge my presence when I was standing right in front of him. He just kept rocking, and staring straight ahead. I know I made this horrible sound when I realized what was going on, and Dan came running in, snatched him up, and threw him in the bathtub. He then started screaming at me to take my daughter and leave, to get out of the house. So I did. Instead of being able to help my little boy, I had to leave. I keep getting told there is nothing I can do about this kind of stuff until we do this custody evaluation. But there are 6 VISITS EACH to one of those, AND a home visit! That could take MONTHS! God only knows what could happen to those kids in that amount of time. Its already been too long. Just pray for my children, and for their safety.

I still have a memories of how my fingers perfectly slide into yours,
how soft your skin felt in the morning,
and your perfect
pouty
bottom lip.
I still have memories of night walks down to the university,
people watching
people
and me admiring everything
you.
I still have memories of the day I
finally
cried,
all of me sobbed,
all of me.
You left that morning,
and I was never the same,
but will keep a part of you with me
always.

~ann

Pass the Kleenex...

Ok, so I was having a pretty crappy day the other day, and was feeling sorry for myself. (Ok fine, I may have been out of Prozac as well.) But, I want to formally apologize to any readers I may have, and say that I will most certainly try to stop being a cry baby about SUCH a wanker. Dan being his first name, of course. I want to post these emails he sends me, because they are COMPLETELY ridiculous, but there are so many lies in them, I feel like I'd have to write some kind of rebuttal to every one! But I think you guys would get a total kick out of reading his nut-job letters.

Good Things

Better than Oprah's list of "Good Things" things:

*Recycle your old PDA's, cell phones, and pagers at Collective Good.com

*Quilt, sew, or crochet a blanket for a child in need, or donate funds at Project Linus.com

*Give someone in need the gift of sight by dropping off your old glasses at a LensCrafters store. (giftofsight.org)

*Donate gently used professional work clothing and accessories to organizations that help low-income men and women get and keep jobs. Look for a collection site under Social Service Organizations in your local Yellow Pages, or visit careergear.org (for men), and dressforsuccess.org (for women) for drop-off and mailing instructions.

*Curious about volunteering? Volunteer Match.org is a great place to get started, and get some information about local opportunities!

Get involved in life.

C.D

I want to understand what it is about me that makes Cowboy Dan hate me so much. Am I really an unfit mother? Why is he calling me that? What could I have done that would warrant such a shameful label? It was so hard, those three years of pregnancy, and all the complications. I was so tired. I just wanted my body back. My house wasn't the most pristine, I have to admit. I didn't have dinner on the table when he walked in the door from work, and the laundry I actually got done when I could wasn't very much. I had gestational diabetes in all three pregnancies, low iron, and low B-12. Not to mention the medication I took that listen fatigue as a side effect. I usually had to lay down for a nap when he got home at night from work. But even then, most of the time, he would come and get me because he didn't know what to fix them for dinner, or needed a hand. I wanted to be able to do the things that moms do with their kids, and my body wouldn't let me. I felt so alone, and rejected the whole time by him. I just wanted him to love me. I wanted to be a family. This whole process is so much harder than I thought it would be. We need to be back in our house, and my court date to get back in isn't until March. Even then, its not certain I will get in. Dan may be willing to sacrifice our children, but I AM NOT. I have to find a way to get them back into their home with THEIR things! This is insane.