Classic Cowboy Dan

Well another day had closed without a hitch with the children, and Dan had just arrived to pick them up. He was putting them all in the car, and I was giving him the 411 on who needed what/who ate and slept when. When I told him that I had just fed them, (being that it was 6pm and they were hungry), he glared at me and asked why I had fed them dinner, and why I was changing their schedule all of a sudden. I simply told him that I had been feeding them before he came , and to tell you the truth its because they're HUNGRY at 6pm after being up for almost 12 hours. (Imagine that?) I asked him why he was mad at me, because he was being so nasty to me, and it was then that he told me he had just found out about the car payment not being made by my parents. They had been helping pay for the family car. He then went into a speech, basically, about how hypocritical it was of my parents to do this because of their values and beliefs. I tried to explain to him that he couldn't' expect them to keep footing the bill for everything for him while he spit in everyone's face by going for full custody. (And no, I wasn't angry or sarcastic, or anything when I was talking to him.) I told him I hoped he wasn't angry at me, because I didn't have anything to do with it. He just kept saying how he couldn't believe my parents would mess up my credit like that, meaning: he couldn't believe his credit might get messed up by that. (Because people, I can tell you right now, I could care less about CREDIT right about now. What I care about is my babies, and getting their world back in order. NOT credit.) He was so angry when talking about this, that something just clicked in my head. So I said to said to him, "Dan, it seems like you're going for full custody against my parents, not me...", and do you know what he said? He looked right at me and said, "I AM partly!", slammed his car door shut, and drove away. Now, you had to be there to experience the whole thing to really understand what he's like, (yelling and pointing his finger in my face), but what does that sound like to all of you? Not a guy who is in this thing for the best interest of the kids is what I think, but that's just me.

Court

I went to my court information session this morning. It was ok I suppose. The judge I think I'm getting is Judge Joseph Turner. He seemed very nice, and passionate about children. I really liked that. Tomorrow is my first mediation session. I am so nervous. I get really anxious around Dan. I know nothing is going to happen tomorrow that is bad, but I still am terrified because this is the first time we will see eachother with lawyers. You know, the whole bit. Alrighty, duty and poopy diapers beckon me...

Shoes

I'm convinced that God puts people in your life at times like these to show you very specific things. Last week I was down at the Human Services building, and I met a really courageous woman. She had just lost a son this year in Iraq, and a few months later her drug addicted daughter gave birth to an adorable baby girl, who was born addicted as well. She had custody of the baby, since her daughter could not care for her. She had the most beautiful smile on her face, and simply radiated warmth and kindness. There also was a homeless man, I could not help but be tremendously moved by. He came into the lobby with his shoulders sagging, and exhaustion weighing down his eyes. I noticed a lame hand which he held tucked by his side. His hair was matted with dirt, and he was missing most of his teeth on one side. When it was his turn at the desk though, I was absolutely delighted at what I heard come from his mouth. He spoke with eloquence, assertiveness, and had an impeccable vocabulary. The woman gave him a number, and he sat down in a chair a few over from me. He proceeded to take his jacket off, and I then noticed more about what he was wearing. His shirt was tattered, and had a large tear down the back of it. His shoes were worn to the soles, and had almost no heel to them. I couldn't help but think about the new pair of New Balance's I had in my car. So I asked him politely, "Sir, I'm sorry to bother you, but what size shoes do you take?". He told me, and I told him I'd be right back. "Finally having big feet paid off for once in my life as a girl!", is all I kept thinking as I ran out to my car, because we wore the SAME SIZE. Isn't that awesome? (Ok, this is the part that you can make fun of me, because YES I HAVE BIG FEET...ha ha ha.) When I came back in, I gave him the shoes, and apologized to him, saying that I hoped he wasn't offended by my offer. He wasn't, and he did the coolest thing, he quoted some scipture to me from the Bible, but ALSO from the Koran. I'm not going to tell you what he said, because that little part of the story is just for me. But I truly believe that I met those people that day for two reasons: one is because I think God was trying to show me how he does indeed provide, and the second being that I really don't have it as bad as I think I do. There are so many people, right here in my own town, that are hurting more than I could imagine. I am blessed beyond imagination.

No news is new news...

So my parents don't believe that I was molested when I was a child. That came out from them tonight. Mostly my father. That really hurts, but I was prepared for it in a way. My father didn't believe me when I was 11, and came upstairs one morning to tell my mother about my dads father molesting me that night, so why should he believe me now, right? But that's a whole different blog. I was more than angry, as you can probably imagine, and said some things to both my parents that I regret. My mother keeps approaching this whole topic as if were talking about a cheese tray, and my father is just simply "disgusted" that I have "done this". I know, its just awful that I want to deal with issues as opposed to bury them inside, or pretend they don't exist at all hmmm? lol. And the best part is, then my dad goes into how he has always thought I am someone else's kid. What was that about? lol. Total craziness.

I was just reading back through 2 posts ago, and I realized something. I said I was worried that I wouldn't be able to give my children the things they deserved in life. I know when I wrote that I was thinking of material things. I want to apologize to anyone that may come across my blog and read that, because that isn't what is important to me truly. The most important things aren't things you can put a price on, and I know that. I just hope I can make them proud of the decisions I will be making in the next 90 days, and when they look back on this time in the future they will be proud of me as a mother.

Nothingman

Once divided...nothing left to subtract...
Some words when spoken...can’t be taken back...
Walks on his own...with thoughts he can’t help thinking...
Future’s above...but in the past he’s slow and sinking...
Caught a bolt ’a lightnin’...cursed the day he let it go...

Nothingman...
Isn’t it something?
Nothingman...

She once believed...in every story he had to tell...
One day she stiffened...took the other side...
Empty stares...from each corner of a shared prison cell...
One just escapes...one’s left inside the well...
And he who forgets...will be destined to remember...

Nothingman...
Isn’t it something?
Nothingman...

Oh, she don’t want him...
Oh, she won’t feed him...after he’s flown away...
Oh, into the sun...ah, into the sun...
Burn...burn...
Nothingman...

Isn’t it something?
Nothingman...Nothingman...
Coulda’ been something...
Nothingman...

-Pearl Jam

He loves me not...

To answer your question D. Hoggard, I hate 6pm-7:30am every Monday through Thursday, and every other weekend. See, that's when my husband gets my three children. I absolutely ache inside when I have to pass them off to him during the week, usually in their pajamas, and just so he can put them to bed 2 hours later. I hate that he has filed for sole custody for the children, and the only good reason I can think of is so he doesn't have to pay me child support. You see, D. Hoggard, he is not a stupid man. He knows that I will do anything to not let my kids go into daycare. So, if he gets custody of the kids he's probably out of paying for childcare most of the time. So there is even more money he gets to keep, right? He knows this too. It also bothers me that he went to their pediatrician office for only the second time in his life just last week. It was because I had the flu, and I couldn't take them. My oldest, the 2 1/2 year old, has been having speech therapy/occupational therapy for 2 years now. Dan has never sat through a single session, and they are weekly/monthly sessions. And there is a list of other things that I see as very important FYI type things he should know. I'm the Mommie, D. Hoggard, you know? I just know what my babies need. I just know. I just feel like this is his way of trying to "punish" me for leaving him. As if to say, "I'll show you". I hate that I've started second guessing myself. Wondering if maybe that laundry I didn't do, or the dinner I didn't cook made him do what he did, so in essence its my fault? I hate the lonely nights with nobody to talk to, not like thats any different than before, but at least I knew he was in the garage or in the house. I hate wondering how I will provide for my children, and give them the things they deserve. But most of all I hate that I have failed at marriage. Thank you for showing interest in my life at the moment. It is appreciated.

I really hate this. I really, really, really do.

New tattoos 2

The left wrist

PS) DO NOT GO TO ERNIE AT CAROLINA TATTOO, he went too deep and now my tattoos have healed with blown out lines. Thank you Ernie for your unprofessional, and simply sloppy job. If you wake up with a horses head in your bed...it wasn't me.

New Tattoo's

The right wrist

This looks tasty Mommy...

Barrett thinking about tasting the shrubbery...lol

(no wonder he didn't eat much lunch that day)

I see youuuuuuuuu....

Barrett, with Caleb behind him.

Fireman Caleb

This is Caleb's favorite toy at "Nonni's house". This kid can drive this truck better than most adults can drive their cars, lol. He's so funny.

Barrett

This is my curly headed angel, Barrett. He's in the middle at 1 and 1/2. He's not doing very well with this separation thing. Dan has them at night, and gets to pick them up at 6pm, bringing them back at 7:30am. Barrett needs me, and a lot of attention. I just don't think he gets that with Dan. Isn't he the most beautiful boy you've ever seen? =)

Long time no post!

Hello everyone, long time no post, I know. What can I say? I've been a busy girl. I'm not even going to get into all of the updates on the separation tonight, because I really want to post my new pics. And for all of you who hate people's pics of their kids, just leave now, because I have a TON I'm about to put up! Haha. Starting with my little chubby herself...this is the baby of the bunch, Rosie! She is now 7 months old, and she LOVES her animal prints. Haha.

The REAL Cowboy Dan....

I wasn't going to post this, but it really is kind of funny...a friend made it for me

Bones

So this is the deal, I have this really aggressive attorney, who I think is going to do a really good job for me. But get this, DAN IS SUING ME FOR HIS ATTORNEYS FEES!!!! AHA! Yes, me, the woman who hasn't worked outside of the home in almost 4 years because I have been having our children and caring for them. I don't have a dollar to my name! Wow, what a slimy guy. I did get to see the children overnight, but he picked them up at 6pm tonight. I was dying inside. I can't believe he thinks that its appropriate for my babies to be away from me. Its not like I want to keep the guy from the kids. I want them to see their father all they want to, its only healthy, but what isn't healthy is to keep a 7 month old baby, and my 18 month old away from me overnight all during the week. Caleb, my 2 1/2 year old will be ok I think. I hope. But the babies need to be with me. I feel like someone has ripped my heart out, and I just feel so bad for the kids. When he brought them to me yesterday night for the 24 hours, their poor little bottoms were so raw from being in dirty diapers that I had to sit them in the bath to soak before I could do anything else with them. Rosie, my 7 month old, her little cheeks were chapped from either not being protected outside, or laying on her wet sheet too long. If there are any women reading this that are in an abusive relationship of any kind, let me tell you: this is hard, but what would be harder is letting your children grow up seeing someone abuse, and mistreat you. Children live what they learn. If you don't get out for anyone, get out for them.

My weekend sans kiddies

Dan has the kids for the weekend, and the only thing I can come up with is going to a movie alone. lol. Maybe tomorrow I will be able to get ahold of someone who is free...

Insert Witty Title Here

Today was the absolute worst day of my life. Well, I think it was. Maybe it wasn't. Maybe it was the beginning of a new, free life for me. I have been spending the past few years trying to get rid of all my, pardon the cliche expression, "skeletons in the closet". I pretty much only had one really big one left, and let me reassure you, it was a monumental secret. But to make a very detailed story short, I ended up talking face to face with one of the people who abused me as a child. I say abused, but they themselves were very young as well. Sittting across the room from this person, and speaking to them about what happened was the most horrific, life changing, tormenting, but necessary things that has ever happened to me. I do wish it had been orchestrated in a different manor though, only because the way that it happened has truly caused more trauma than good at this point. But I have certainly weathered worse than this, and I see the good that will come from this temporary suffering.