This is how Barrett does his rav's...don't you wish you could eat stuff like this still sometimes? Big bib and all? Haha.  

Times Like These

Times Like These: Foo Fighters

I am a one way motorway
I’m the one that drives away
Then follows you back home
I am a street light shining
I’m a wild light blinding bright
Burning off alone

It’s times like these you learn to live again
It’s times like these you give and give again
It’s times like these you learn to love again
It’s times like these time and time again

I am a new day rising
I’m a brand new sky
To hang the stars upon tonight
I am a little divided
Do I stay or run away
And leave it all behind?

It’s times like these you learn to live again
It’s times like these you give and give again
It’s times like these you learn to love again
It’s times like these time and time again

Mediation II

Today was the second attempt at mediation with Dan. As I'm sure anyone can imagine, it didn't go well. I'm not allowed to talk about the specifics of what went on, but just know that C.D raised it to another level today. The accusations were absolutely gut wrenching to listen to from across the table, and his behavior was nothing short of desperate and disgusting. I know I said last time that I wouldn't cry again, but I totally wimped out right in the middle. I started out so strong too. I had given myself a big pep-talk in the car on the way over, and really thought I was going to do well. But it never fails, that when I get face to face with the guy I go all nerves.

The Midgets in Florida Christmas morning...

I know Caleb was probably so excited at his bike, thats all he had been talking about for a while.

Barrett on his new little bike, I can't wait to see him ride it! :)

Looks like they had toys up to their ears, but I guess thats ok this year.  

Little Bloggers

Irving Park Elementary School is now online blogging!

YAE!!!!!!!!!!! The midgets come back today!!! C.D said he "needed a break" after the 10 days with them. Being a full time Mommy to 3 isn't such a cakewalk after all, huh? ;)

(And HE had 2 other people in the house to help him 24/7! :p)

Ahhhhhhhh...the treadmill just kicked my butt, but thats sort of the plan. Super hot mama in the new year, haha! I saw Cowboy Dan a few weeks ago, and he looked like he had lost about 15 pounds. That, plus the whole online personal thing he has going on, just makes me ill. A girls mind starts to get really creative, you know? I wonder if he is dating on his weekends off, or even sleeping with someone? Maybe he even was thinking of certain other women while we were together? Is/was there someone at the office? But I guess thats part of the whole control factor is keeping me in the dark about his new found single life. I've only been gone since the end of October. It just seems too fast to try to replace me...hmm, hmm, hmmmmm.

It was a Merry Christmas at G.U.M's Weaver House tonight. The church that donated the dinner brought a really nice meal, and also sang to the guests. It seemed to lift the general mood just enough. I was going to bring cupcakes for everyone tonight, but when I got to Costco they were SOLD OUT. I thought Christmas was fruitcake and fudge? I ended up buying chocolate candy bars, which actually were a big hit tonight, so no worries! Though being at the shelter usually remedies any sorrow from the absence of my midgets, tonight I couldn't take my mind off of them. Especially when I called and Caleb was crying on the phone to me. That just broke my heart completely. To hear your child cry, and not be able to comfort them is the most helpless feeling in the world. I just can't wait until they are home, safe, with me. Anyways, Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night...

I was at the shelter again tonight. I think its my saving grace while the kids are gone. Not just for Christmas, but after Cowboy Dan comes to pick them up at night during the normal week as well. I've acquired a nickname there, "candygirl". I try to bring in some kind of candy each night for the residents there. Its just something I have found that makes a person smile for just a second, you know, getting a piece of candy. Nomatter how hard a person may seem, EVERYONE has an inner child, and I'm here to give that child a piece of candy damn it! =P

Me-makeup-hair brush-coffee=7am

Mother has discovered my blog, (HI MOM), and I don't think she was very happy. That being the understatement of the year. Shame on me for dealing with personal crisis through public medium, I know.

She was none of them, for I AM Wonder Woman! Hahaha...ok lame. But I want to be her, does that count for something?

It took a while, but I was finally able to talk to the kids tonight. Cowboy Dan doesn't think keeping his phone on him is a priority, so I just have to take what I can get I suppose at this point. Sunday was a good night for me. I went down to the shelter again, and got to spend time with some good people. Glad to see that Max and Charles are still there, they're some gentlemen I met while giving out lunches a while ago. I could tell Charles was down, so I talked with him a bit, and he asked me to pray for him after dinner. I've never had anyone ask me to pray for them in person, it was really cool. I did laundry mostly Sunday night. Which reminds me: ANYONE WHO HAS EXTRA BEDDING ITEMS LIKE PILLOWS, BLANKETS, SHEETS, AND BATH TOWELS/WASH RAGS LISTEN UP!! Please email me at funkyloona@yahoo.com, and I will figure out a way to get those from you to the right people over at the Weaver House! =) These people deserve decent linens, so please think about donating even just one thing, it all makes a difference. If you live in the triad area, and would like to make a donation of bedding/bath items, I will even come PICK IT UP from you!! They told me last night that they can send you a receipt for your tax purposes. Shweet huh? Anyways, goodnight-sleep tight-don't let the bed bugs bite...

~ann

I would just like to say something to my community:
Even the rich can feel homeless, and the homeless can feel rich.
We should strive to treat everyone with the same compassion and understanding. I would challenge those of you who are in this community, or ANY community for that matter, to give of yourself to everyone. Not just the poor! And by that, I mean, give the love and all the good things in your heart to people. If just three people that read this, go away this week and do one kind thing a piece to someone that passes through their life-IMAGINE the butterfly effect that could occur. =)

Day two of ten comes to close of my babies being gone for Christmas. I just got back from Friendly Center from window shopping a bit, and then caving in and buying some Happiness in a bottle. And no, I'm not talking about something that comes in a brown paper bag. Though right about now I wouldn't be awfully opposed to it. Wednesday night I went to the local Meetup for bloggers in my area. I have to say it was really cool to put faces with names. There were lots of interesting people there to talk to, and much to talk about. I finally met Ben, Billy (BBP!), The Shu, Tara, Patrick Eakes, and got to see but not officially meet Southern Rants. Some new people I met were Juan, Ross, Lewis, and a few others that my brain is refusing to let out right now. Please take a sec, and visit their blogs, ok? (Click on their names, and your computer will magically take you there, WOW!) Good Saturday everyone.

Elvis has left the building.

Read it again

I only now find it shocking that Dan did things like this: The Painting

Just let me RANT =)

Cowboy Dan keeps giving me a hard time about our car insurance company separating our policies because we are living apart. This happened because I called them to find out some info about the title on one of our cars. I had no idea that me telling the rep I was talking to would result in the policy split, but he just can't get enough of reminding me how I've "screwed up" once again. This is a taste of Cowboy Danes propensity to try to control my life, and everything in it. My comments are in red.

I wrote him:
Do not harass me again about USAA separating the policies. I did not separate them, USAA did. There was nothing I could do about it.
Thank you,
Ann

He wrote back:

Well first of all I'd think calling that harassment is a stretch. I've mentioned it 2x now and this time I happened to know how much it was costing me extra so I figured I'd let you know. How about you don't harass me about giving you money for the bill without you ever showing me the bill. (Yes I did call him to ask for extra money to pay for the car insurance. I never was anything but kind to him too. If he knows how much more its costing him to separate the policies, he knows that I'm not lying about the amount of my bill.) I can't help it if you didn't get the bill to me on time like you were supposed to. I want that bill in my hands tonight when I pick up the kids and that's all I'll say about it so you don't feel harassed. Here's a few other things:

1. The boys did not come back with the same socks on yesterday. I want those socks today when I pick them up and I expect that they will be wearing the ones I sent them in this morning when I pick them up. Yes, I sent the boys home in different socks last night, do you want to know why? Because the they were wearing that morning were dirty. So I put clean socks on them, that's all.

2. I've been doing everything I can to get rid of the rats nest that you let Barrett's hair turn into those first weeks of the separation. I brush his hair 3x a day and I'm using conditioner. I'd appreciate it if you or your mother or your nanny or your father could brush his hair at least a couple times a day rather than continuing to let it get worse throughout the day. This is unbelievable. I got Barrett returned to me with practically a dreadlock in his hair, after staying with Cowboy Dan/my MIL for 5 days. I had to actually cut it out. I never said anything to Dan about this, because I didn't want him to think I was accusing him of something. I gently told him that it might be a good idea to use conditioner on B's hair at night. Obviously I brush my childrens hair, thats just ridiculous.

3.I sent the boys with more pajamas than what you sent back Sunday night. I want the rest back. Actually, I never even opened the bag of clothes he sent.

4. I want the rest of Rosie's pajamas back that you did not send back 2 weekend visits ago. My children need winter clothing, and he still is sending them in summer/spring/early fall clothing. I had to get my parents to buy them winter coats and hats because Dan was happy for them to come to me in fall jackets every morning. My boys, 2 1/2 and 1 1/2, are wearing pants/shirts from last year. Apparently he thinks that its ok to buy car items or beer, but not a few new pairs of pants for you kids.

5. When did Caleb start going to MOPS with you again? Yesterday he kept telling me that he went to school and cried when your mother picked him up.Who is taking him? Where is it? etc...MOPS=Mothers of Pre-Schoolers, a Christian based mothers morning out program. Its once a month. Caleb was talking about Sunday school this past Sunday I'm sure. He cried a little after about 15 minutes, and my mom went to go stay with him in the classroom so that he didn't have a bad experience.

6. I want the name & business phone number of the Nanny you said you hired. Why Dan? So you can send her your online personal? =P She's not a Nanny, she's a 23 year old girl that helps my mother out around her house while my brother is here recovering from a staph infection. I made the mistake of calling her a Nanny to Dan, because she does lend a hand with the kids while we're here.

7. Which organization are you volunteering with? Would you like to know what times I pee during the day too? How about a log of what I eat during the day too? Or maybe what I wore each day this week? =P

Have a great day! His way of giving me the middle finger, lol

DM

The Toothpaste Thing

I got the chance to go over to the house today to get some of my shoes, makeup, and things from my room. I brought the kids so that they could see Dan for a few while I did this too. While in the bathroom I grabbed 2 boxes of toothpaste from the stash that my father had bought us at Sams a few months back. I noticed that he had a pack of 6 boxes that he had just bought, but I left 1 box out of the old pack just so he wouldn't think I was trying to "take all his stuff". Anyways, he comes in and glaring at me says, "What do you think you're doing?!", with his hands on his hips. I told him that I was just taking a couple boxes of toothpaste, and he then tells me to put it back because it was PROPERTY acquired before the separation. I said, "You're kidding right?", and half laughing mind you. He then says to me that if I continue to yell at him, (??), that he is going to make us leave the house. I wanted to cry. I know most people would have gotten so mad right away, but I just don't. Yeah I get ticked at the things he does, but I'm not mad at him, mostly just hurt. And you know, honestly, I will always keep that part of me that says, "OK-this is the day he's going to be different." But he doesn't, and he isn't. Anyways, back to the story- I realized just then that this guy is out to cut my throat. If I talk above a whisper, he's going to tell people that I yelled at him, and if I take a few tubes of toothpaste-he'll say I went threw the house and stole things. If I broke down in front of him crying, he's going to tell people that it was because I couldn't handle the kids and am a bad mother. If I ever confided in him my fear of the dark that stems from my sexual abuse, he will turn that into me being crazy. I lived my life with him telling me what the truth was, what reality was, who I was, who I was going to be, and how I owed him everything. He manipulates the truth, lies, and panders to whomever he is speaking with to try to "win" their sympathy. He needs people to believe he is a hapless victim in whatever situation that might arise. In other words, its ALWAYS someone else's fault. That someone was me most of the time. He punched me in the face, and the whole ride home to drop me off, he was lecturing me on how it was my fault that he did. How I had ruined his day once again because I shouldn't have argued with him. You know the most frustrating part of this? He's actually a very likeable guy. It seems like everyone at his work loves him. People that meet him say how nice he is. When I met him, I remember his smile. He had the most wonderful smile. I fell in love with that smile, and I will always love that smile. I just want to stop having feelings for him completely, it would make this whole process so much easier. But the more I read about it, the more I am understanding how much harder-emotionally-this is going to be than I thought.


Sorry if my grammer sucks in this rant. I'm really tired.

~Ann

I know I'm not supposed to care, but I do have to say that it really bothers me that Dan has a personal ad out. I guess its more hurtful than anything else. It makes you start to second guess yourself before walking out of the house without any makeup on, I can tell you that much.

Went to the library today to try to just chill out a little. I'm completely stressed. This is going to be the longest month of my life I think. January 3rd can't come any faster. I got that book by the Dalai Lama, An Open Heart. Its really good so far. I also picked up another one by Thich Nhat Hanh titled, Anger. Good stuff I'm telling ya. I have all these cool idea's for Urban Ministries. I just hope to get the chance to present them to someone there. Hope everyone is well tonight.

~Ann

Children Live What They Learn

This is out of a book I'm reading...

If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn.
If children live with hostility, they learn to fight.
If children live with fear, they learn to be apprehensive.
If children live with pity, they learn to feel sorry for themselves.
If children live with ridicule, they learn to feel shy.
If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty.
If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence.
If children live with tolerance, they learn patience.
If children live with praise, they learn appreciation.
If children live with acceptance, they learn to love.
If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves.
If children live with recognition, they learn it is good to have a goal.
If children live with sharing, they learn generosity.
If children live with fairness, they learn justice.
If children live with kindness, they learn respect.
If children live with friendliness, they learn the world is a nice place in which to live.

For Warmth

For Warmth

I hold my face in my two hands.

No I am not crying.

I hold my face in my two hands

to keep the loneliness warm-

two hands protecting,

two hands nourishing,

two hands preventing

my soul from leaving me

in anger.

-Thich Nhat Hanh

Mediation

Crap Mediation...I feel like such a loser. I get there in front of him, and I turn into such a coward. He must love it, the control he has over me. I had to keep my stupid freaking hands in my lap the whole time because they were shaking so much. I didn't want the mediator guy to think I was crazy or something. I HATE THIS. I used to have such a strong personality. I wasn't afraid of anything, or anyone. I go back in 2 weeks. I think next time I just won't look at him, I think that might help.

ATTENTION WRITERS:

Here, better than a AUCE taco bar: Backwards City
Express yourself...

12 hours and counting until the bunnies are back here with me. =) I tried to call them yesterday night to say goodnight but he wouldn't answer the phone, again. He says he doesn't keep it on him, and I told him he needed to when he had the kids with him. Its part of the agreement we signed. I'm allowed to call and check on our kids. He finally did answer the phone tonight. I guess he thought it had been long enough, and felt like granting me permission to speak to them again. Its not anything new to me, its just one more way he can control things/me. As long as he has control of everything he's happy. Ok, time for bed, goodnight world.

~Ann

AIM

Ok, I gave in, I'm going to use AIM as well since everyone and their mother is using it...FunkyLoonaAnn. TTFN

Its 9:21pm on Saturday night, and I MISS MY BABIES. He's not happy about me calling to check on them, and now today he's just not answering the phone all day. I finally got an email from him to tell me they were ok. I wanted to talk to them, to tell them "nite nite", or something, anything. This is killing me, it really is. I just can't help from crying, and I hate it.

Operation PB&J

Today was a really good day. I got a late start, but I was able to get out about 25-27 lunches to some displaced/homeless folks down by my towns Urban Ministry. They were having a Christmas parade downtown today, so I just parked there and walked over with most of the lunches packed in my backpack. I was able to make three trips over to everyone, and I'm pretty sure everyone that wanted a lunch got one. I should have made some kind of meat sandwich though, I think. Or at least that's what everyone kept asking me for. I just made PB&J's, but I put a soda, Cheez-its, and a Little Debbie in there too. If you're going to feed someone, give them something you'd like to eat, you know? =) I was able to talk to several of the people that accepted the lunch from me, and the stories they had to tell me about themselves and situations were more than touching. There was a HIV positive man who sat and talked to me about his drug problem. I was able to share with him how I, personally, overcame drugs and the steps one might take to start that journey. There also was a man named Greg who helped me find people that needed food. All I want to tell you now about him, (because I need a whole other post on him), is that he is one of the most content people I have ever met, and Greg is homeless his very self. The more people I talked to, the more I realized how giving and selfless this little community of displaced people were with eachother. Each person I came to telling me who needed the food the most.
As I sit here tonight writing this, I can't help but to feel guilty for taking simple things like heat in my home for granted, especially on a cold night like tonight. I wish so much that I had all those warm clothes they told me they wanted, and I could drive back down there to make sure they all slept in warmth tonight. Let me tell you all something, when I sat there at the end of the day and asked a few of them what they would like to have the most, the answer was clothing. Specifically hats, coats, gloves, and scarves. I want to ask is for every single one of you that read this blog to please take just 10 seconds and pray for the homeless tonight. Pray that they would be safe, and somehow find a way to stay warm this winter.
To those of you who have extra coats, gloves, and hats this winter: please donate them to a shelter for those in need. We have no much excess, and there are so many out there that could use that jacket you haven't worn in 2 years! Have a great Saturday guys!

~Ann

More about CB:

I want everyone to see Cowboy Dan's obsession: VW SCIROCCO'S
This is what kept Cowboy Dan away from us most of the time. He was always doing something with a car. All the rest of the time he just couldn't simply play with the kids, ever. He always had to be doing something either in the garage, or outside. The kids would play around him, but not with him. And a pregnant woman doesn't move too fast, espectially the 2nd and 3rd year in a row. But that doesn't matter, a Mommy can never be a Daddy no matter how hard we try, and thats what they wanted. They wanted more than that hour at night after work with him. They wanted his weekend too, they wanted all of him. I don't think thats too much for a child to ask of a parent.

Friday Night

So, this is the first weekend the midgets will be away from me in, lets see, 3 weeks. Hmmmm, I hope they have a good time. I mean, I know they will, I just hope he doesn't get too stressed. Nobody is there to help him with the kids. Ok, no more thinking about it, because if I do I'll go crazy, right? Haha. Oh, our first court date is January 3rd, and the second date is 1/31. My birthday is the 8th of January. I'll have to do something really fun for my b-day, like go to Atlanta or something, try to get my mind off all this stuff. Dan wants me to give him back my car, and he wants to give me this car that someone is giving him-that doesn't run. He says he is going to do major work on it, and this is coming from a serious car guy, so that can't mean its in good condition. But in exchange for this car that might, or might not run eventually, he gets to keep the Passat wagon, AND his VW Scirocco, AND his dad is going to be giving him a 2001 Passat. Hmmmm, so thats what? 3 cars to 1 car that might run, and even if it does we don't know for how long? Niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiice. NOT to mention the fact that I, the one who has the kids 90% of the waking hours, have to jam 3 car seats in the back of this thing. Now I'm sorry if I sound a little ticked off, but its just one more time that DAN comes first, and not the kids. I have no problem driving ANYTHING at this point, but I do have a problem with him not doing everything he can to put his kids in a safe car when he HAS THE MEANS to do it. He could afford a lease on something big enough for these kids, and not spend hardly anything to do it. Kia has lots of great vans, and they have great safety ratings as well. I know a lease is not what his dream is, but I'd rather lose a little money in a leased vehicle, than the life of my child stuffed into a car they shouldn't be in.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh, ok sorry, I needed to vent that. Alrighty then, time for a glass of wine. lol.

PS) I finally finished some posts I had been saving from November 30th, and November 28th, so if you'd like to read them they are there!

Yahoo Messenger

If anyone reading this would like to reach me, my Yahoo Messenger name is FunkyLoona. Go figure. =P

TY

I just wanted to thank everyone who has been encouraging me. It takes just seconds to write those words that I have received, but the impact they all have had on me will last a lifetime. Thank you all so much.