3.17.2005

Warning: Sensitive Language Post

He liked to call me names. I think it made him feel like a big man. His favorites were: bitch, whore, "f*ck up", idiot, fat, stupid, worthless, and a whole slew of other names to fill up this page. The worst one, the one that cut the most, was "f*cking cu*t". I even told him that he could call me anything else, but just don't call me that one. He did really good for a while with the name calling thing. But right before Rosie was born, and then after, he sort of lost it again. Things kind of closed up shop inside of me right before Rosie was born because of that. Then it happened. We were out running some errands one weekend, got into an argument about how I had misplaced a bill, and it ended with him punching me in the face. I just remember seeing stars for a minute or two. I thought the guy had broken my nose. (I grew up with 3 brothers, and I've played sports my whole life. I've been hit in the face a million times by everything from softballs to basketballs, but this was one of the hardest.) The whole way home he just kept telling me how it was all my fault, how I had ruined his day, and he was just going to run errands without me. Everything seemed so surreal for about 24 hours after that. I just remember walking inside to my bedroom, shutting the door, and laying down on my bed to absolutely weep into my pillow. I just thought there was no way that this could be happening. I was so confused, and felt like the whole world was falling down on me. I just knew that this little girl inside my belly was never going to have to see her mother get hit or shoved, nor was she going to hear a her mother be called some disgusting, disrespectful name. It was going just going to stop.

This poem is to you Dan...STILL I RISE.
Still I Rise: By Maya Angelou
You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I'll rise.
Does my sassiness upset you?
Why are you beset with gloom?
'Cause I walk like I've got oil wells
Pumping in my living room.
Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I'll rise.
Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops.
Weakened by my soulful cries.
Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don't you take it awful hard
'Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines
Diggin' in my own back yard.
You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I'll rise.
Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I've got diamonds
At the meeting of my thighs?
Out of the huts of history's shame
I rise
Up from a past that's rooted in pain
I rise
I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide,
Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.
Leaving behind nights of terror and fear
I rise
Into a daybreak that's wondrously clear
I rise
Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,
I am the dream and the hope of the slave.
I rise
I rise
I rise.

6 Comments...not Spam-ments.:

mbondur12 said...

Wow! I know I don't know you very well, but no one is any of those horrible things that you mention. You certainly are not fat, and no one deserves to be hit by someone who says they love them.

Did he ever think about the fact that women get fatter when they get pregnant??? Guess not.

Anonymous said...

Cora garner says hi andy(andrea)
kisses

bodhi said...

touching story. You are beautiful within. Thanks

peace...as war rages...
bodhi

Sue said...

I want you to know that I am glad you changed you life. Reading your blog was like looking at my own life. I left Dan(yes his name is Dan)back in November. I gained weight because I was hurt at work.No one should ever have to be treated that way. I wish you all the luck in the world, and I hope you find a great man who will treat you the way you should be.

FunkyLoona said...

Thank you Mike for being so supportive, as always, and thank you to the "visitors" for the encouragement too. Good luck with your travels Bodhi, and good luck with men Sue!

renaissance_man said...

Remind me to tell you about the time Maya spoke at ASU.

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