10.04.2004

Letting Go

One of my very close, old friends, is getting married. Well, I say friend, but we were more than that. We never really put a label on our relationship. He was my best friend at the time, my confidant, my lover, my teacher, my student, he was everything to me. I am happy for him though; happy that he has found peace in someone else, and himself. I guess, too, that I am jealous of her as well. I wish I could have brought that to him, but as fate would have it, I was a complete mess back then. Totally empty of anything good. I was just a leech, feeding off of other people's energy just to survive. I was on every drug I could get my hands on. I did anything and everything, drug and otherwise, that might remind me I was still alive; that's how dead I felt inside. I had to be going a million miles an hour all the time. The only time I felt any peace was with him. I didn't need drugs or anything else when I was with him. Everything seemed to slow down when I was with him, and I was ok with that, I actually loved it. I trusted him with every part of myself; my mind, body, heart, and soul. I never was hurt by him. Never. Unfortunately, being so young, and unhealed by past abuse, I was unable to return the my love in a usable form and capacity. Its such a shame, because I had to much I wanted to give him.

1 Comments...not Spam-ments.:

grdragon said...

I understand where you are coming from except with me this person that meant so much to me died before I had the chance to tell him I was sorry for the pain I caused him. We both went our separate ways and I thought about him constantly. Everytime I tried to get the courage to call him I backed out thinking I would only hurt him again. I would give anything to just have the chance to say I am sorry for hurting him and that I really did love him.
When we are young we think the world is spinning in many directions especially for a confused person on drugs and a history of past abuse. We are unsure of our direction in life and I know I made alot of mistakes. Your not alone in your pain of loss but you do need to move on and let go. If this person I lost were still alive I would have already told him how I felt. I would tell him in order to move on and heal.

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